Date: Tue, 9 Jul 1996 04:23:10 -0400
To: Blain Nelson
Subject: Re: We wrote, you DID NOT RESPOND
Leaving town tonight for safety, will write back later. I am not she *, for it was longer ago thank that, I think. It was the first shelter trip (oh joy!).
But each of us has more than one story, no one begins down a path which leads in directions we would rather not rationally go, right?
I am glad to see this. It * probably was January or so?
I am going to a friend’s out of state. When the perpetrator has bucks, power, and yes, that male anatomy which differentiates us from one another, the woman truly is powerless, because our culture won’t allow them to have real feelings, real stress, talk about anything and more, from the female perspective, if you will. Just my opinion.
Look at this, ok?
PWDs* have a very hard time. I am. I have to leave here to be safe, and this is out of state. He hired a private investigator to find out my address. What next? WE’re not waitin around to see.
Some get off the right path of conflict resolution, or dealing with anxiety in our sressful times. But for the three percent who are severaly addicted to power and control, coupled with Howard’s Adult Attention Deficit Disorder,about which is always softly said under the breath: Men with ADD seem to end up being violent in relationships! by their therapists, “We don’t know what to do” But with Howard he was recovering until he saw his family of origin. I know not the man who returned. But he became his father, just upon seeing his mother, on a trip home. We were only married for a few months. As the therapist who refused to see him again said, there is just no way this much rage could be accumulated in only 9 months of marriage, not al of them spent together! Patterns from home, rage at his mother, any number of things. But even with mental illness, there is no excuse for abuse.
Especially when it involves using a disabled person, much weaker than self. I think even you would agree with this perspective.
I will read your post, and send you a response. I am not the woman to whom you refer * for I would remember carving up someone, recently. I have been more interested in recovery and survival, finding medical helps, figuring out why the law says do one thing: Press charges, make him get help, but the police do another, exactly as they please.
Also the county attorney says everything you are not supposed to say to a victim of any gender! WHat did you do to make him this way? Yeah, like, nothing! I could be the B from H and still, it would not provoke him to this much rage. It comes from deep within.
He changed the day we returned from honeymoon, but went to get *some* help. Of course, if there is nothing in town except using the rage control/anger control model, and the real issue is shame, and addiction to power (was addicted to sports previously, lucky me!). It is sad that men who wish to seek help, find none available. No one taught him coping skills, nothing.
Now you can see at whom I am most angry! I am a trained professional in the area of abuse. Needless to say I could muck around feeling guilty. But to what end? It’s crap, basically.
But it is now being a PWD which has been hell, and almost made me take my life, and that is the bottom line. Stronger now I think. Was out looking on the web, for I wish to build a web page, including the control/power model in very simple terms for communities and therapists who have not heard of it! Ok, so this community is backward. If all the other ostriches stick their heads??????????
I am hurting, my kid is hurting. But let’s face it. I didn’t hang around for years. But if this system doesn’t start building shelters for PWDs. I may have to return. I can not work now due to his abuse. I can not take their bus and leave my motorized chair here. I can not give up my accessible van, which makes me able to be an adequate parents. Worst of all, I will not allow my daughter to be removed because he says that if I bring up the abuse, he will get very ugly and have this done! I need to get out of the midwest to areas full of tons of other issues, but more progressive on parenting and that PWDs are terrific parents! Not imcompetent, not unabled.
Mine is a different take, one which you might remember unless there are other hot and bothered PWDs. At this point, I wish to connect with them (maybe? Do I really want to do this? hmmmmm) ok, attempt, so as to create an underground railroad for women who must leave. Heck, men too. Abuse is abuse. My take? Men aren’t allowed to express. But you could prove me wrong. Whadda I know about bein a guy?
I know that I will never walk much again, not work, not breathe well, and more. These are choices he made. Telling me to go out live on the streets in my wheelchair and earn money the old fashioned way, becoming a prostitute, is not right. If you saw me, you would never imagine me in this way. Classic clothes, allegedly brilliant, and yes, sophisticated. But in abuse, we are all naked wear the same scars, and eat the same excrement, and it ain’t ours.
I might get folks to stop thinking of it as a poor folks issue, and remember that even white collar folks do that, and do it even better than the poorly educated man does. But yes, I say men, because it’s still true.
My husband claims to have done nothing, and be the poor sad one here, as well., projecting the blame and all of his bills as in before I met him, on me as well. He needs a punching bag. I am removing me. When he hires a PI, we leave.
Would you deny that my plight is a bit hard? I think so. I am looking to create an underground railroad for an escape for this slavery. Before him I was a creative, intelligent, sexy woman. Now?????? Men won’t ever know how this feels. But—my male friends are pulling me through his insanity!!! You may still wanna say that it’s equal. But the years of research I did at the major research university will never back you up. All that aside, do you care about the abuse we are taking, that itis more than a bit severe? That we have to take the shame, for the rage men have toward women in general?
Basically, do you care that he has won, taken my life, in terms of finances, that I will have to be on disability all my life, and that no one will hold him accountable because he has a penis, and I don’t. Or if you prefer, I have breasts which stick out, and he has none?
This is reality.
Are you willing to help?
I will read your stuff, everyone has a right to stuff. I am stressing out here, and took a writing break. True confessions. But look, aren’t you at all glad that you were called on your abuse, before it got even crazier? Am I glad that I got out now? I am. I lose everything. He can make $$$$$$$, I can’t. Even capable female PWDs make so much less $$$$ than their male counterpart. Why? Hiring practices. The usual.
I have learned about slavery. It is when society figures that if a woman not a man, is abused, it is because she 1) deserved it 2) earned it (translation: is a bitch) 3) was not a good enough wife 4) is lower class see #1.
Are you gonna take your insight out and help other men, trapped by societal crap, or not? I vote yes! I can’t do it. I am not a man. But I am a woman. I do that which I can. For now, i must be safe. I need money to hvae my wheelchair accessible van fixed. Then I can go to CA, where friends, albeit originally cyberfriends, but now life friends wait.
I can tellya this: if my husband of not even one year,were to choose recovery, we would go back in a heartbeat. But only if he chooses to fight fairly and see rules as existing. He must also learn to respect women which means confronting his demons, and his mom. We don’t want this life. But are willing to see that we all blow it. He needs help and is too supported by society to admit it. Why should he? What’s in it for him?
That’s us, sorry to go on, and neglect your words, your feelings, your issues. I hope that you will understand this oversight. Please pray for our safety. To Howard, the river in Egypt, it’s just a damned river !!! He also knows how my many friends in verious 12 step groups see it as well. His choice not to look at abuse, is far more normative.
Hey, let’s get hazelden which make medals for sobriety and all, to make medals for women who leave, and men who get help! I deserve a badge of courage, and will never get it.
Sue trapped in backward midwest land, please say a prayer that my car makes it to IN, tonight, ok?