Date: Wed, 17 Jul 1996 07:04:07 -0400
To: Blain Nelson
Subject: Re: We wrote, you DID NOT RESPOND
First of all, you responded here, so let us change to title and continue this wonderful dialogue. I appreciate your time and responding. I am now in flight to another area of the country. I returned to find that my husband had violated the restraining order he got concerning harassment, that he is not to be near me, by coming to my address in record time, after the PI promised the police that he would not give the address. It gets better the police refused to take a report, give an order for protection because 1) He lives out of state (yeah, like that’s gonna stop this character with a major obsession? It didn’t, and He got the papers, not me!, standard for divorce actually) 2) he is already on the records and can not come near you. Well, it’s all bull.
You probably know that I studied abuse in college right? Tons of years etc. The police still hold the record unchanged for decades, on the most abuse at home, wife and kids, etc. That is a major incentive to do nothing. If it’s not wrong, why bother, etc.
Well, must run now. Am moving. I purposefully got an email address which will not change but might not be in every city I have to visit to relocate.
I would love for my story to get out because it’s a bit unusual in that I am trained, and it happens to anyone. But the PWD* thing is what boggles my mind. It’s horrid right now. I have yet another tale to add to our saga here.
PWDs really are abused over ten times more than the norms and yet, no shelters want us around! Standard response? Isn’t there somewhere you can go? Sorta like one is a dog or something (no puns intended, actually, every woman can be that way, grin. Ooooooops)
We are leaving and it is amazing, and freeing. But once there, there is much more stuff to shovel.
I appreciate your response and am saddened that I cannot correspond with you more in depth on this, actually. I was wondering what had happened. I might not have made a big production out of the shelter thing because to me, they are not new, they are work, etc. But whoa, was I wrong. It’s entirely different on the client foot, and frankly, it stinketh, much like foots tend to do.
I don’t know where you are, but I am in the midwest and finding regional differences to be vast, I mean hugely humongous, if you will. I had to go down to in to find out that MI has a terrible stance on abuse. Sure it’s on the books, but they never do anything, etc. I mean, refusing to even write down a report on Howard, infuriates us all, so much that someone from CA on my disability list insisted on sending us money. Everyone knew that I would die if I didn’t get out. They have been watching his slow transition for a year now, the escalation, and now the horror. Anyone can go crazy under the stress, but his is also very irrational, involving some obvious mental illness, a childhood trauma, and rage at his mother, displaced (oh lucky me!). The therapist says maybe Borderline Personality Disorder which only came into play after marriage, sigh. But abuse is a separate thing, they say, which is wonderful to know.
Why am I babbling on here? Who knows. Glad to have contact I guess.
Going to rest, then get in vehicle and start out. Wish me luck will you? Shall I keep you posted? I don’t think I can do cerebral things and the trip. But I could let you know if we are OK and the likes. My condition is neuro-muscular, which involves tons of fatigue, not exactly like they recommend a cross country trip or anything! But it’s needful to find safety.
Do women change their identity (or men, if they have a whacko lady, I would supose. Actually I have advised some male PWDs that they were actually in an abusive relationship because she refused to accept his condition, would not let him take care of it, the numero uno thing with PWDs, you see, and all. They got out, and now one guy says he’s the prez of the Sue fan club because I called it as I saw it. He’s doing well now but I digress) to survive? We are that concerned about Howard. If he hires one for here, why not there as well. I have the van. He might try to take it back. What he will do with a wheelchair accessible van is beyond me. But his thing is ownership and of course, control and power, not life, or anything. Honestly, I just can’t grasp it. Not enough something, testosterone? Nahhhhh, I am in INFP, Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving sort, and we detest competitive stuff, like harmony and detest meaningless conflict, unless rhetorical debate, or purpose is involved. Well, That is not him.
I saw a spot on Dateline or something, in which it spoke of men needing to dehumanize others so that they could rage at them. It was about a driving mandatory class, I noticed all men (he, women do it too though, that bit, but don’t get out of the car and begin hitting, usually). Well, they spoke of the need to, the process, and I thought that would be good to get on the web, for those who use this now, but can’t see the process, would prefer to stop, etc.
Sorry to go on and on. I am on the run as they say, but elated to be out of here. Know however that the next steps are not easy ones. I am not exactly safe, and wonder if I ever shall be???????? I’m scared, really, very scared.
We will never know if he had a gun. But if he brazenly breaks the law, why not this too. His words were “I don’t think I need to give you my name. Just tell her she had better respond to the papers…….” Or what Howard? I want time to think about this, get an attorney, etc.
I guess you would have to see him, his intense rage at this mother, his transference of this to me, what he did to my daughter (step to him) and more to grasp our fear. Let us just say that my daughter is terrified and refused to come to the house this weekend, stayed hidden at a Hmong house, which of course endangers them as well, sigh.
Wishing not to be alone in this. But he attitudinal barriers created by some who can’t handle their anger at having to deal with disabilities in shelters, their own ignorance, their own rage at mortality, well, I can’t advocate for self when in a crisis, but we are forced to. It sucks, sorry for the language, but is a very bad situation for all female PWDs right now. The men are more societally accepted according to life and reports. I am worried for us all.
Will keep you posted as am able to get to computer. No laptop yet. Safety now. Wish me luck. Thanks for listening. I can finally say it out loud. I am terrified! Why won’t he quit? We were only married a few months!!!!!!!
hoping to be here next week, but wondering frankly………