Blain Nelson's Abuse Pages
Other People's Experiences With Abuse
Koria's Story

What follows are my speaking notes from a public forum about same-sex domestic violence, which are fairly coherent on their own. I said some things that aren't included, and left a couple out, but this is basically what I said:

Four years ago, I escaped from a lesbian relationship in which I was isolated from my friends, economically drained, psychologically manipulated, sexually abused, and physically battered. I'd like to describe some of this abuse, especially the types that were not physically damaging, and also discuss what was helpful or hurtful about some responses when I looked for assistance.

Some of the ways in which I was abused:

Physical - This was used after other manipulation failed. It was carefully calculated to leave no visible marks or proof and frequently occurred as "accidents" like falling heavily against me. Other nonprovable tactics like sleep-deprivation, preventing acquisition of proper food, shouting, damaging property, threats of violence were also used.

Psychological - She would "revise/control reality" by denying she had said, done, or agreed to things. She would accuse me of not understanding her. She would lie. She demanded I put her needs or demands ahead of mine and isolated me from my friends by her rude behavior, and by convincing me to move out of the Boston community to Cape Ann, where I knew no one. This created economic crises so I needed to work extra jobs.

Economic - She lied about her economic situation to get me to co-sign a purchase and sale agreement for almost $200,000, and then would not consider jobs that were "beneath" her. She was always unemployed or quickly fired, yet spent $40,000/ yr on credit cards. She withheld rent money and bought expensive gifts for me that I ended up paying for.

Sexual - This was hard to realize because it is not what is thought of as rape. She forced me to do things to her I did not like and considered unsafe without being allowed to modify them. She forced me to have sex after being beaten to make up and prove I forgave her. She told me I wasn't a normal lesbian because I did not like certain sex acts, and did not feel turned on by her after a while.

Emotional - She faked or exaggerated physical ailments to maintain my attention and threatened suicide if I left. She insisted on comforting me after she abused me, with the implicit threat that if I did not accept the abuse would continue. There were constant putdowns of my appearance, opinions.

What helped/didn't in getting away from the abuse:

Friends

Law Enforcement

I never considered police or legal help, because my abuser had a very good public facade, never left any physical evidence of abuse, and said she would accuse me of abuse if I did anything in self-defense.

Therapists

Community resources