I’m down to the point that I’m not nearly as freaked out most of the time. This update is just to show a bit of progress, and to account for the amount of freaked out that I still am.
I did go for a walk last night. It was actually pretty good. Quite good, actually. I was listening to the Phedippidations podcast (an award-winning podcast on running, especially marathon running), and it occurred to me that walking not only gives me something to do with my nervous energy other than pacing and stewing, but it could actually help improve my aerobic fitness, so I could make better use of my shallow little breaths, and that it would help speed up the healing of that torn muscle in my back. So I walked for about an hour — more than I’ve done in a long time. It works better for me, right now, than spending time on this computer does, because the only position that’s really comfortable for this is sitting, and the only position that hurts consistently is sitting (well, I’m sure the push-up position would hurt as well). While I was out walking, I went by the home of several of my Facebook friends and waved at one who happened to be outside when I came by. I also got waved at by a young teen in one of the houses I was walking by, but I don’t know who it was — maybe a kid from Church, or maybe just someone bored and looking out the window.
And then I cleaned up and went into town to buy some food and things that I was running low on, and to pick up my prescription, which was ready when I got there 30 minutes before it was supposed to be done. Which was nice.
Right this second, I’m laying down on the couch, which has been most of my resting place at home since the breathing thing became a problem. For some reason, I have a better time getting to sleep here than in my bed, even though this is shorter than my bed and a bit uncomfortable. But I’ve got the TV set to KBYU (for some reason, it’s quite calming when I’m trying to sleep), and I can just doze off whenever. Once I’ve been asleep, and then wake up for a bathroom trip, I can get to sleep in my bed, and sleep for a time. I woke up there around 0530 and wasn’t going to get back to sleep there. I came back to the couch, and did some computering and dozing until it was time for my meds around 0600. I did walk over to the Post Office to drop a Netflix into the mail. I’ve done some more dozing than awakeness since then, coming to the last time in the middle of a show on scrapbooking (KBYU can be a bit weird, in addition to being comfortable).
I have an appointment at the doctors at 1440, just over three hours away. I think I’m going to skip my meds betwen now and then (it’s due about now), just to see how it’s going so I can talk to him intelligently about that, and we can make a plan for where to go. I will be walking over to the appointment — still not comfortable driving with these meds, even though I’ve never been loopy on them (negative b, plus or minus the square root of b squared minus four ac, all over two a). Plus, I’m liking the walking. When my back gets better, I think I’m going to work into some running again. I feel better when I’ve run.
So now I’m just burning time and trying to stay comfortable. I probably won’t sleep any more since I’m a couple of hours before my appointment — don’t want to sleep through it. Haven’t got food totally figured out yet — I tend to lean on what sounds good. Mostly, I think I’m bored. I don’t yet know when I can get back to work, and a number of the jobs I need to do around the house require sitting or bending, both of which hurt a lot. And my concentration’s still not that great. I don’t know if I’m sleeping so much because I’ve been behind, or because I’m healing, or because of the meds, or because I’m bored. I don’t know.
I still have to exercise some control of what I let myself think about — I can’t handle as much sadness or emotional stuff as I usually can, or it gets me going and then I get a little freaked and have trouble breathing. It’s a little bit like being mentally claustrophobic.
I think that’ll do for today. Maybe, if I’m awake, I’ll update after the appointment.