My Depression Speaks

I sit here at the keyboard and I don’t really know where to start.  The title is “My Depression Speaks” and my depression doesn’t want to talk to you.  It doesn’t want me to talk to you.  But I’m going to.  I might do this more than once.  Or I might delete this whole thing before posting it.  I don’t know.  But I’m going to write down what my depression is saying to me:

Nobody cares what I’m telling you.  Nobody wants to hear it.  People have their own problems.  They don’t need to hear about yours.  They’ll just think you’re a loser.  They already think you’re a loser, but this will make it worse.  Someone will probably unfriend you if they even bother to see it now (or hide you) so they don’t have to see any more of your whiny nonsense anymore.

You’re not going to make it.  You’re not ready.  You can’t do it.  You can’t do anything.  You can’t finish anything.  Anything you do finish isn’t good enough anyhow.  I don’t see why you even bother to try.  All your ideas are dumb, anyway.  You’re just a loser doing a job nobody wants, nobody wants to look at, and you’re probably going to lose that anyhow.  And then you’ll be stuck — nowhere to go.  You can’t even get by on what you get from it.  And there’s no use trying to find anything more or better — money is too tight everywhere, and you don’t fit anybody’s idea of who they want to hire.  Nobody wants to hear your ideas or your solutions — they wouldn’t work, and nobody would go along with them anyway.

What a waste of space and time.  Nobody can rely on you — you always flake out and let them down if it really matters.

So, now you’re wallowing in self-pity.  Anything, as long as it doesn’t matter.

It goes on from there, and it gets meaner.  It trashes you as well, since you’re reading this.  Sorry.  I’m done with this for now.

5 thoughts on “My Depression Speaks

  1. i know it might sound trite or even condescending, but the adversary is working you over. i am sure you are probably aware of that and that knowledge does not make what you are feeling any lighter or less horrible. keep praying. go to the temple. endure.
    i have been through a few major depressions and i can assure you that when i was told the things i just told you, IT PISSED ME OFF, but typing this from a place where i am not depressed, i can tell you with absolute certainty that those suggestions work.
    i hope you dont delete your post.
    wishing you the best holiday season and praying for the light to break for you.

  2. Thanks for this. Sorry I got to this so late — I have had limited access to the net the past month or so.

    I don’t yet know if this is *a* depression or just depression. Understanding the truth about it doesn’t change it — it is what it is, and it kicks my butt on a regular basis.

    I do believe there is an after — where I’m not in the down and stuck place. I can feel it for a while every now and then. I don’t really know when it will be, or what it will take, or much of any of that, but I do have hope in that. It’s something.

    I have no idea how I’m going to get through the next few weeks. Or tomorrow. No clue. My goal is to still have a place to live and a job.

    I’m going to put up another post here that talks about depression. It’s something I wrote to someone else somewhere else, but it’s true also.

    Thanks again. I do appreciate what you said and where it came from.

  3. Have survived a week or so. Last week was rough. This week will be rough. Next week should be less rough, maybe.

    The depression is a bit less all-crushing than it was when I wrote this.

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